My inner world: Hard to look back...

Monday, 25 June 2007

Hard to look back...

"I want to look back, and contemplate this intense and overwhelming experience through which I have gone through. But sometimes, I can't. There is a part of me that feels ashamed, and with a very subtle diplomacy, it succeeds in convincing me that I have not been able to achieve what I wanted. My belief was strong. I certainly wanted things to go well, forever. Yet, it is true that things have not happpened the way I wanted them to happen. It was a different scenery. The landscape was unknown to me. Things have been unfolded in a way that could not be discerned by me."

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The story of a sad little girl....

"She sat there in silence. The fervency of this silence seemed to be pervasive. Everything seemed to be so unfathomable. It was an awkward silence. It was the silence of her disappointed heart. This was a silence that spoke for itself. A silence that said that she no longed needed to punish herself and react against what had happened to her. A silence that said that she needed to get back her freedom that has beeen threatened and undermined for so long. The awkwardness seemed to provide her with some sort of refreshing and soothing advice. Under the scrutinizing supervision of the luminously starry sky, she sat down on the bank of the river and sobbed. Crying her heart out may be gave her some sense of comfort, solace and relief. The illuminative splendour of her soul had faded. She was no more the cheerful and resplendent girl she once used to be. The witherness of her soul was conspicuous. She was pitiful and pathetic. Her heart was crying. She could strongly feel the distressing sorrow and pain it was experiencing. She was convinced that she would end up fainting, or perhaps fall ill. She needed to put an end to this cycle of painful experiences she had now been experiencing for quite a long time. She was determined to disclose and uncover those aspects of her experiences that had contributed to mould her SELF into this destrcutive self. A self that tends to be highly susceptible to most cognitive, psychological, perceptual and emotional triggers. This overwhelming susceptibility does indeed considerably weaken her capacity to capture the whole essence of her life episodes."

Reflections (1)

The intensity of my experiences has taughe me how to retreat into a world of my own. A remote world that is accessible to me only, and in which I find some sort of serenity when I immerse myself completely into it. It is a world that respects my pain, a world in which I feel I am being understood, a world in which I feel free to express myself as I wish, a world which treats me with all due respect and dignity. I am consciously aware of the fact that a sense of insecurity lurks deep down within me, and I would say that the presence of this unhealthy feeling is surprisingly very subtle. I know deep down that I want to find some sense of security and comfort, and the only way I can achieve this is by living every instant in my own world. It seems that I am holding on tight to something in this world, and I can't let go of this special something, because it keeps me going and in a very indistinguishable way, it provides me with some sense of support. Yet, I know that the more I immerse myself into this world, the more dangerous or unhealthy it is for me. Because in seeking solace in this unique sphere of mine, I am indirectly trying to suppress my ability to accept things as they are, and instead, it seems to provide me with the ability to lose touch with reality. I think that the time travel that allows me to get into my world consumes all my energy, and by the time I reach this 'safe' land of mine, I am devoid of emotional energy, and this sense of emptiness very beautifully and gracefully enables me to succumb to the charms of my world. These charms are amazingly enticing and they lure me into something that is bigger than me. I am perhaps too feeble at this very moment and in a very elusive and ingenious way, this weakness turns against me, without me even realising it. I am easily swayed by the attractive charms of this far-fetched world; and this weakness very cunningly manipulates me in such a way that I feel completely fascinated by the outstandingly glowing brilliance of my world. I would say that the power of these charms are so strong that they undermine my potential to be receptive to any kind of positive vibes.

Reflections (2)

The eminence of her pallor was one of her distinctive characteristics. Her eyes were full of tears. Strong emotions and thoughts have been bottled up. I am on the very verge of collapsing. But it seems that something stronger than me resides deep down within my self, and in a very weird but exceptional way, it is providing me with an unusual sense of stability and meaningful perspective of how enriching this experience might be, but I do not seem to be able to grasp the gist. The loss related fears are bigger than me, and they are subtly inhibiting my potential to see the good out of my experiences. My fears are undermining my sense of security. I am bursting with unhealthy emotions. When these emotions exert their enormous pressure on me, I feel like I will burst out crying and break violently apart.

Reflections (3)

I seem to be wallowing in pain. I have no control over my own life, which is being bizarrely unfolded. The way things are being uncovered is just beyond my comprehension. My attempts to let go of things are temporarily successful. My sense of security is so easily undermined. It seems to me that I am re-living my past. Familiar scenarios are being unfolded. Situations which are known to me seem to have re-gained the life that was oncw within them. They are occurring at different points, with different characters being involved. This weird scenery is significantly related to my childhood experiences. I need to leave behind my past, but at the same time look back to it and be grateful to it. There is indeed an underlying paradox here. Things are still very unfathomable to me. But I do realise that I had to go through this experience, perhaps because it will contribute to deepen my sensitivity and reflexivity, even in ways that will remain indiscernible to me at this time, but which I will realise afterwards. This experience might also be important as it will allow me to be aware that there exists the pair of opposites. This would be quite synonymous with the concept of the YIN-YANG, which are descriptions of complementary opposites, rather than ABSOLUTES.

My inner world