My inner world: ...and the colour of the desert changed again to softer tones of pink...

Wednesday, 20 June 2007

...and the colour of the desert changed again to softer tones of pink...

"I believe that telling my story, and sharing my most significant experiences through writing, drawings and paintings are very therapeutic and cathartic in themselves. Therefore my aim in creating this blog is that it will bring me relief, and free my self from any inner emotional frustration and bewilderment, which might be latent in me, but unknown to me. One of my dreams is that one day I become a writer. I firmly believe that writing will promote the expansion and enhancement of my sense of self, will bring me comfort and will increase my confidence and enjoyment, and will unveil the latent part of me that has now been withered, and which needs to be re-nurtured, so that I am able to experience the uniqueness and wholeness of being ME. Writing will enable me to reflect on the experiences I have had, and one of my wishes is that I am able to affirm that the nature of my most significant experiences has changed me personally and has enhanced my sensitivity and reflexivity. It is of utmost importance that I deal with each one of my experiences with respect and integrity; because if the nature of those experiences is distorted, I might not understand their richness which might in turn impair my ability to extract the goodness and positivity from them. Indeed, the nature of human experience is very sensitive. There are many unvoiced and unexpressed thought and emotions that need to be released. Through my drawings and paintings, I will re-immerse myself in my lived experiences. I believe that the drawings and paintings would talk for themselves. It is a means for me to express myself, and as I said earlier, they are very therapeutic in themselves. Besides, I believe that the colours that have been used would tremendously reflect my inner world and might give you a glimpse of my personality. "

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The story of a sad little girl....

"She sat there in silence. The fervency of this silence seemed to be pervasive. Everything seemed to be so unfathomable. It was an awkward silence. It was the silence of her disappointed heart. This was a silence that spoke for itself. A silence that said that she no longed needed to punish herself and react against what had happened to her. A silence that said that she needed to get back her freedom that has beeen threatened and undermined for so long. The awkwardness seemed to provide her with some sort of refreshing and soothing advice. Under the scrutinizing supervision of the luminously starry sky, she sat down on the bank of the river and sobbed. Crying her heart out may be gave her some sense of comfort, solace and relief. The illuminative splendour of her soul had faded. She was no more the cheerful and resplendent girl she once used to be. The witherness of her soul was conspicuous. She was pitiful and pathetic. Her heart was crying. She could strongly feel the distressing sorrow and pain it was experiencing. She was convinced that she would end up fainting, or perhaps fall ill. She needed to put an end to this cycle of painful experiences she had now been experiencing for quite a long time. She was determined to disclose and uncover those aspects of her experiences that had contributed to mould her SELF into this destrcutive self. A self that tends to be highly susceptible to most cognitive, psychological, perceptual and emotional triggers. This overwhelming susceptibility does indeed considerably weaken her capacity to capture the whole essence of her life episodes."

Reflections (1)

The intensity of my experiences has taughe me how to retreat into a world of my own. A remote world that is accessible to me only, and in which I find some sort of serenity when I immerse myself completely into it. It is a world that respects my pain, a world in which I feel I am being understood, a world in which I feel free to express myself as I wish, a world which treats me with all due respect and dignity. I am consciously aware of the fact that a sense of insecurity lurks deep down within me, and I would say that the presence of this unhealthy feeling is surprisingly very subtle. I know deep down that I want to find some sense of security and comfort, and the only way I can achieve this is by living every instant in my own world. It seems that I am holding on tight to something in this world, and I can't let go of this special something, because it keeps me going and in a very indistinguishable way, it provides me with some sense of support. Yet, I know that the more I immerse myself into this world, the more dangerous or unhealthy it is for me. Because in seeking solace in this unique sphere of mine, I am indirectly trying to suppress my ability to accept things as they are, and instead, it seems to provide me with the ability to lose touch with reality. I think that the time travel that allows me to get into my world consumes all my energy, and by the time I reach this 'safe' land of mine, I am devoid of emotional energy, and this sense of emptiness very beautifully and gracefully enables me to succumb to the charms of my world. These charms are amazingly enticing and they lure me into something that is bigger than me. I am perhaps too feeble at this very moment and in a very elusive and ingenious way, this weakness turns against me, without me even realising it. I am easily swayed by the attractive charms of this far-fetched world; and this weakness very cunningly manipulates me in such a way that I feel completely fascinated by the outstandingly glowing brilliance of my world. I would say that the power of these charms are so strong that they undermine my potential to be receptive to any kind of positive vibes.

Reflections (2)

The eminence of her pallor was one of her distinctive characteristics. Her eyes were full of tears. Strong emotions and thoughts have been bottled up. I am on the very verge of collapsing. But it seems that something stronger than me resides deep down within my self, and in a very weird but exceptional way, it is providing me with an unusual sense of stability and meaningful perspective of how enriching this experience might be, but I do not seem to be able to grasp the gist. The loss related fears are bigger than me, and they are subtly inhibiting my potential to see the good out of my experiences. My fears are undermining my sense of security. I am bursting with unhealthy emotions. When these emotions exert their enormous pressure on me, I feel like I will burst out crying and break violently apart.

Reflections (3)

I seem to be wallowing in pain. I have no control over my own life, which is being bizarrely unfolded. The way things are being uncovered is just beyond my comprehension. My attempts to let go of things are temporarily successful. My sense of security is so easily undermined. It seems to me that I am re-living my past. Familiar scenarios are being unfolded. Situations which are known to me seem to have re-gained the life that was oncw within them. They are occurring at different points, with different characters being involved. This weird scenery is significantly related to my childhood experiences. I need to leave behind my past, but at the same time look back to it and be grateful to it. There is indeed an underlying paradox here. Things are still very unfathomable to me. But I do realise that I had to go through this experience, perhaps because it will contribute to deepen my sensitivity and reflexivity, even in ways that will remain indiscernible to me at this time, but which I will realise afterwards. This experience might also be important as it will allow me to be aware that there exists the pair of opposites. This would be quite synonymous with the concept of the YIN-YANG, which are descriptions of complementary opposites, rather than ABSOLUTES.