Le 'i'

"I have witnessed and experienced situations where people allow themselves to be overpowered by this side of them that they need to carefully re-nurture into something healthier. Perhaps the word 'nurture' is not the most appropriate word that must be used here. If i could re-rephrase the sentence, then it should be as follows: It certainly would be healthier if people could change their perceptual approaches, which would entail an overall smoother approach to life. Additionally, this could gradually enable people to realize that they have an innate goodness.

I firmly hold on to the belief that most people have constructed for themselves a personal web of meaning, and thus it would be logical to deduce that their approach towards other people are not completely dissociated with their personal webs of meaning they have constructed. That is, they would understand other people's experiences from the perspective of the subjective.

If our beliefs are not synchronous, then there is a great likelihood that it would create some sort of tension between individuals. It undoubtedly becomes quite easy or automatic in those kinds of situations to blame the 'opponent' and label him as being not understanding enough. Yet, I believe that if people could allow themselves to be lucid, then, they would perhaps realise that they can't blame anybody, because deep down they are aware of the underlying need for them to take into account the fact that the other person's beliefs was not congruent with his own beliefs. It would be a two-way circuit (even his belifs were not consistent with those of the other individual).

We can't teach people. Maybe people need to give themselves time to grasp the concept, assess it and accept it. I reckon that nobody would love to grow in an environment, devoid of empathy and understanding, but where heaviness, negativity and high emotions are massively dominant."

Unhealthy emotions as triggers that hinder my ability to live in the present and to convert my experiences into "flow-producing activities"...

"Things happen, and if they are not in harmony with my perceived set of beliefs and ideas, they would threaten the stability that I have created for myself. This stability is easily undermined because it is not the product of a solid foundation. As a result, anger, sorrow, fear, and other unhealthy emotions crop up, and they sour my capacity to achieve my utmost potential, and appreciate things as they unfold."

Self-Consciouness

"There is a feeling, anchored deep down within me that is yearning for something that is bigger than me. Yet, I do not seem to have the required capacity that would allow me to figure out what this something is. It is intriguing, indeed. But I am so much involved in the intricacies of life that I do not allow myself the time that is needed for me to discover what this special thing is. I reckon that there is a part of ME that knows what this thing is. But because I am not being intimately in touch with my inner life, being, or experiences, I am being denied access to awareness, with respect to what I am deeply yearning for. My whole being knows what it is looking for. But I do not seem to be enabling it to fully embrace this concept and live, and appreciate it. I would say that at the moment, it is just a far-fetched concept. I need to allow myself to be more in touch with my SELF, so that this remote concept becomes a reality for me, and I am sure that it will enhance my sense of self and deepen my sensitivity."

Connectedness, Immersion, and Wholeness...

"Living, enjoying and appreciating every minute of one's experiences is perhaps a key element that allows an individual to get in touch with his inner self. This moment of complete immersion certainly brings happiness and allows one to understand the richness of his Being; it allows one to understand that he has innate goodness, and it enables the individual to realise that he has inner strength, and that he is able to achieve his full potential. It enables him to understand what his highest strengths are and use this strength to achieve something that is bigger than him, and achieve a greater purpose."

Hard to look back...

"I want to look back, and contemplate this intense and overwhelming experience through which I have gone through. But sometimes, I can't. There is a part of me that feels ashamed, and with a very subtle diplomacy, it succeeds in convincing me that I have not been able to achieve what I wanted. My belief was strong. I certainly wanted things to go well, forever. Yet, it is true that things have not happpened the way I wanted them to happen. It was a different scenery. The landscape was unknown to me. Things have been unfolded in a way that could not be discerned by me."

Eureka

"I am just very thrilled. I am proud of myself. I have worked very hard and all my efforts have been rewarded. It is a very good feeling. "

Confessions

"It is indeed considerably difficult to 'hate' or express contempt or bitterness towards someone whom you have loved and cherished very much. It is very hard to nurture bad feelings and emotions for someone whom you have believed in and whom you have adored, if not worshipped."

"My experiences have added coulour and richness to my personal world and have enhanced my sensitivity, reflexivity and has promoted my growth. I certainly am the product of my experiences. I know deep down that these experiences have contributed to make me a stronger person, but I have to acknowledge that there are times when I feel so much overwhelmed by everything that happens to me, that I lose touch with my inner self and this can be seen as an unhealthy threat to my own self, because it lures me into a world that is unknown to me and in which I am made to feel that everything that is happening to me is unfair, and that I do not deserve it; I deserve better. "

"It is very easy to fall into such traps, specially when one is vulnerable. "

Sorrow

"Things happen, and despite all the struggle that man puts into his attempts to discern why these things occurred, he still cannot figure them out. When I went through this uncomfortable and unpleasant episode, I did try hard to understand why this happened, but my attempts seemed to be fruitless. May be we just have to accept things and live life as it is and enjoy every minute of our existence on Earth. May be we have to convince ourselves that whatever happens, happens for the best, because there are things that cannot be seen by the humen eye, and things that cannot be understood by the human mind and which go beyond human comprehension. May be we need to be grateful to the Lord because He knows what is best for us. We are all equal, yet different. God knows the extent to which each soul can be put to test, and He will not go beyond this limit. When I went though this experience, I sais to myself "Why me? I have put my heart and soul into this experience, I have put my faith into it, so why did this happen to me?".This experience has distanced me from my strongly held beliefs. Emotions have been considerably heightened. A climax was reached. Depressive symptoms, uneasiness, self-deception started to burgeon. I no longer had any beliefs, and I said to myself that things were just too unfair. I could not understand that everything that happened was part of a Divine Plan. I wasn't doing anything wrong, as far as I was concerned, and everything was so much beyond my limited comprehension. I was obviously completely devastated. My inner self was in a state of anarchy. I would love to think that now I am recovering from this intense experience, even though things are just moving on slowly. From my view point, a bonhomie has been shattered. I would refer to it now as a 'LOST FRIENDSHIP'. Yet, I still hold on to the belief that one day, the lost communication will be resumed."

Realisation

"Sometimes I get the strange feeling that something is happening, and the presence of this thing seems to be pervasive indeed. When this elusive, but strange feeling gets stronger, it undermines and threatens my freedom to get access to my inner life-world. My potential to do things seems to be frozen. I experience a deep sense of apprehension. I know now that things aren't going to be as good as I want them to be. Everything seems to be so enmeshed. There is no accord between how I want things to be and how they are being unfolded. This discrepancy subsequently facilitates the trigger of a dissonance, and in trying to alleviate this dissonance pressure, I tend to bottle up all my emotions and recoil upon myself. I would say that this is to a certain extent paradoxical. I can feel the heaviness inside me. I try not to let these emotions become apparent. I assume that this explains in itself why I am writing this episode."

Approaching awareness

"I am trying to awaken in me that inner, latent and may be subtle 'life' that has been veiled and concealed by me bottling up my unvoiced thoughts and emotions. I am trying to convert the negative energy that I have been nurturing for long into something that is more positively abstract, and at the same time concrete and tangible, and in doing so, I am hoping to free myself from this something that has captured the essence of what makes me ME."

Escapism

"Some things cannot be deciphered so easily, and this may be the reason why being completely immersed in my own world seems to provide me with some sense of security. I have allowed myself to be lost in a very deep and remote sphere, and I constantly seek refuge in it. This world has become part of me and may be I can't distinguish it from the real world. I can actually, but I prefer not to see the demarcating line between the 2 worlds. My retreat into this new world might be a good thing. It might be a very positive sort of escapism. Sometimes I think that everything that happens is substantially favourable to me, as it will be added to my personal repertoire. I am currently a Psychology student, and viewed from this perspective, it might enable me to have a glimpse and perhaps get the feel of what it is like to undergo inner turmoil that people who suffer emotionally must go through. This might eventually help me to be more empathetic and understanding in the future. It is very difficult though, to accept that everything that happens, happens for the best."

...and the colour of the desert changed again to softer tones of pink...

"I believe that telling my story, and sharing my most significant experiences through writing, drawings and paintings are very therapeutic and cathartic in themselves. Therefore my aim in creating this blog is that it will bring me relief, and free my self from any inner emotional frustration and bewilderment, which might be latent in me, but unknown to me. One of my dreams is that one day I become a writer. I firmly believe that writing will promote the expansion and enhancement of my sense of self, will bring me comfort and will increase my confidence and enjoyment, and will unveil the latent part of me that has now been withered, and which needs to be re-nurtured, so that I am able to experience the uniqueness and wholeness of being ME. Writing will enable me to reflect on the experiences I have had, and one of my wishes is that I am able to affirm that the nature of my most significant experiences has changed me personally and has enhanced my sensitivity and reflexivity. It is of utmost importance that I deal with each one of my experiences with respect and integrity; because if the nature of those experiences is distorted, I might not understand their richness which might in turn impair my ability to extract the goodness and positivity from them. Indeed, the nature of human experience is very sensitive. There are many unvoiced and unexpressed thought and emotions that need to be released. Through my drawings and paintings, I will re-immerse myself in my lived experiences. I believe that the drawings and paintings would talk for themselves. It is a means for me to express myself, and as I said earlier, they are very therapeutic in themselves. Besides, I believe that the colours that have been used would tremendously reflect my inner world and might give you a glimpse of my personality. "